I faked an abortion last night.
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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