i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Randomize
