I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize