i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
