She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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