I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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