Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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