I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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