Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
