I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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