just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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