No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
