Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I think i got beer on your cat.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
And then he peed in my hair
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
