at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
