I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
