Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Randomize
