Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
