apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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