Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
