My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
