the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
