I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
