When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize