True but thats because hes a fetus.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize