I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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