Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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