is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
