I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
It's shark week go big or go home
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
