There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
