I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
