The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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