I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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