Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
