you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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