life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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