the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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