be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
