After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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