We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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