You just made me feel so damn special
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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