I think my fart just growled at me.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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