You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
