Porn is love you can see.
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
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