threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
