yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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