Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
