I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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