I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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