i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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