God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
