Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
