Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Randomize
