Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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