i think my tv is drunk
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
