Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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