1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
