I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
