i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
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