my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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