____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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