You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
vagina is talking i cant
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Randomize
