I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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