so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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