its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
