if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
