dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
