Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
