I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
