A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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