I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
