i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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