Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize
