Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize