Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
