the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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