Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Randomize
